What to expect emotionally as a partner-patient
Fertility treatment can be emotionally challenging for everyone involved. Research shows that partners and patients share many of the same emotional responses throughout IVF, including hope, uncertainty, stress and disappointment.
When treatment outcomes are difficult, such as an unsuccessful cycle or unexpected medical results, both people experience the emotional impact. Feelings of grief, frustration, and uncertainty about the future are common for both people in the relationship.
The partner patient experience
Research also suggests that there are some experiences unique to partners. These differences are often related to their role during treatment rather than a difference in how much they care or are affected by the process.
Witnessing the patient undergoing treatment
Many partners describe feeling concerned or worried while their loved one attends appointments, undergoes injections, or recovers from procedures. While they may not experience the treatment physically themselves, witnessing it can still be emotionally difficult, leading to feelings of helplessness.
Research suggests that partners experience secondary stress, meaning they feel distress in response to seeing the patient struggle during treatment. Partners often want to fix or improve the situation but may feel that there is little they can do beyond offering emotional support. This can lead to feelings of helplessness, frustration, guilt, or pressure to remain strong. Partners frequently report a strong desire to support their loved one while also managing their own emotional reactions privately.
Andrew
When we started IVF, I thought I understood what it would involve. But very quickly, I realised how different it was for her compared to me. From a male's point of view, I think the woman has to do all the hard work. I was there at the appointments, sitting beside her, trying to stay positive, but deep down I knew it's a much easier thing for a male to have to go through than a female.
Every day I watched what she had to carry, the injections, the procedures, the waiting, the recovery. She was doing most of the work involved. There were moments when I felt helpless just standing there, knowing I couldn’t take any of it away from her.
Because the truth is, it's her body… she has to bear the brunt of it every day. And watching someone you love go through that is harder than I expected. I could see how much it took from her. It definitely affected her a lot more emotionally and physically.
All I could do was stay beside her and hope she knew she wasn’t facing it alone.
Feeling a lack of control in the process
Many partners describe feeling like they are on the outside of the treatment process. Because the medical procedures happen to the patient’s body, and healthcare teams direct their attention to the patient, partners can sometimes feel left out and with little control over what is happening. Wanting to help but not being able to change the situation can create feelings of helplessness or emotional distance from the process.
Simon
When we started IVF, I thought we would be going through it together in every way. But as things moved forward, I began to realise how little control I actually had. Sometimes it felt like I had no say in the process.
I tried to focus on supporting her, being there at every appointment and staying positive. But there were moments when I felt pushed to the side of it all.
There was also this quiet pressure I felt to stay strong and not let my own emotions show.
But if I’m honest, the hardest part wasn’t just being on the outside. The helplessness, I guess, is the most difficult part. There were so many times I wished I could take some of it on myself, or do something that would make the process easier for her.
Partners can sometimes feel left out and a loss of control during IVF treatment. Being unable to change what their loved one is going through may lead to feelings of helplessness, pressure to stay strong, or feeling emotionally on the outside of the treatment process.
Emotional exhaustion
IVF treatment can lead to emotional exhaustion over time. Partners often describe moving through repeated cycles of hope, fear, anxiety, and disappointment, which can become increasingly draining the longer the journey continues. This ongoing emotional load can build gradually, leaving little space for recovery between treatment stages. Some partners also report withdrawing from activities that usually support their wellbeing, as their capacity to cope becomes stretched.
John
Over time, the constant ups and downs started to take their toll on me. What began as hope each cycle slowly turned into emotional exhaustion. There were days when everything felt heavier, waiting for results, processing setbacks, and trying to stay positive for my partner. Eventually, even small things felt difficult. My usual routines, like running or going to Pilates, stopped because I didn’t have the energy for them. I felt like I was stuck in a loop of anticipation and disappointment, with very little time to recover in between cycles.
Jealousy and social comparison
IVF treatment can sometimes bring feelings of jealousy and social comparison. Partners may find it painful to see others get pregnant or have children easily, especially when they are going through a very different and uncertain experience themselves. These feelings can be confusing, as they often sit alongside genuine happiness for others. Over time, this can also lead to reflection on how you feel about your own body and new expectations about fertility, which can be difficult to process emotionally.
Kwame
There were moments when it was really hard seeing other people just have children without going through what we were going through. I wouldn’t say I stopped being happy for them, but there was definitely jealousy there at times, and I found that difficult to admit even to myself.
It also made me think a lot about what this meant for both of us. Trying to make sense of our bodies not doing what we had always assumed they would do… wasn’t easy. It felt like something we both had to slowly come to terms with, in our own way and at our own pace.
Difficulty expressing emotions
IVF treatment can make it difficult for partners to express their emotions openly. Many describe holding back how they feel in order to stay strong and supportive for their partner, which can lead to emotions being suppressed over time.
Ngarra
I often felt like I couldn’t really express what I was feeling during IVF. It wasn’t that I didn’t have emotions about it. I did, but I felt I had to hold them in.
I was trying to balance caring for her with my own feelings of sadness and frustration, but I kept suppressing them because I thought I needed to be strong for her. Over time, that became quite challenging.
Even outside of home, I found myself putting on a brave face at work. Most days were emotionally draining because I was trying to convince people I was okay when, in reality, I was carrying a lot inside.
Dealing with grief
Fertility can involve many types of grief - for the conception journey you were not able to have, for bad news during treatment, for embryo losses, for negative pregnancy tests, and anticipatory grief when you worry you might not be able to have a child (or more children). Some partners describe intentionally hiding their grief to avoid increasing their loved one’s emotional burden. They may suppress their feelings because they worry that expressing them will make treatment harder for the patient. Over time, this can lead to delayed emotional processing, loneliness, and feeling as though there is little space for their own experiences.
Emma
I felt like I had to set my own feelings aside and just be present for her. I couldn’t share my anxiety because it would make her anxious too. Over time, my own space became smaller and smaller until I felt like I’d disappeared. I became the supporter, but I was grieving too.
Her distress compounded my distress, and then my distress compounded hers, and we’d end up fighting. We realised we were grieving differently rather than one of us coping incorrectly.
Everyone copes with grief differently. One person may prefer facts, research and practical problem-solving, while the other may process emotions through talking, reflection, or expressing sadness. Neither approach is right or wrong, but differences in coping styles can sometimes create misunderstandings or conflict during IVF.
Self-blame and guilt
IVF can lead to feelings of guilt and self-blame, even when there is no real cause for either partner to feel responsible. Partners may still feel like they are the reason their loved one is going through treatment, or that they have somehow caused the difficulties. These feelings are often shared in relationships, with both people at times blaming themselves while also trying to reassure each other.
John
I felt a lot of guilt during IVF. At times, I felt like I was the reason my partner was going through all of this, even though I knew it wasn’t that simple.
Impact on identity and sense of self
Some partners described feeling a loss of identity or questioned their future role as a parent. These experiences can be emotionally difficult and can also affect how both partners feel about themselves during treatment.
At times, I felt like less of a man during IVF, which was hard to admit. I also found myself thinking about what my identity might look like in the future, and whether I might not become a parent at all. It made me question parts of myself in a way I hadn’t expected.
Some female partners in same sex relationships describe unexpected feelings about not sharing a biological connection with their future child. Even when they feel secure in their role as a parent, they may still find themselves thinking about physical resemblance and what this means for their identity. Patient partner quoted: “I was surprised by how much it affected me thinking that I might not look like my child”.
Financial stress
IVF can place a significant financial strain on couples. The cost of treatment can build quickly, leading to stress, uncertainty about continuing, and changes in lifestyle. Some couples also find they have to reduce spending on personal activities to afford treatment. Patient-partners often worry more about financial stresses, and express more financial concerns than patients when deciding about treatment.
Relationship pressure
IVF can put pressure on relationships. Changes in intimacy, increased decision conflict, and emotional strain are common, especially during treatment cycles. Stress and uncertainty can sometimes make communication more difficult, even when both people are trying to cope in their own way.
Oliver
It wasn’t easy for us. During injection cycles and after procedures, we became less intimate. We also had more arguments than usual, often over small things that felt bigger at the time. There was a lot of pressure, and at times it felt like one of the most challenging periods in our relationship.
Feeling the need to isolate from others
Some partners withdraw socially or feel misunderstood by friends and family who have not experienced fertility treatment. Pregnancy announcements and social events can also become emotionally difficult.
Sophie
I stopped talking to my sister for six months after she announced her pregnancy. It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy for her, but I was carrying so much grief that I didn’t know how to be present for it
Remember that both experiences matter
Although patients and partner-patients may experience IVF differently at times, research consistently shows that both individuals are emotionally affected by treatment. Recognising that both people are part of the journey can help couples communicate more openly, support each other, and access the support they may need along the way.
I feel like it has brought us closer together and allowed us to show resilience and perseverance.
What Can Help?
While IVF can be challenging, many partners find support through:
- Learning more about the IVF process together
- Remembering that both partners are affected, even in different ways
- Taking breaks from fertility-focused conversations when needed or having them regularly, for example every other day, but limiting them to 20 minutes which allows for a more focused discussion
- Staying connected to hobbies, routines, and supportive people
- Setting boundaries around social situations that feel difficult
- Seeking professional support, such as a fertility psychologist or support groups
- Talking openly with each other about emotions and expectations
There is no “perfect” way to cope with IVF. Many partners experience a mix of emotions throughout the journey, and seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Additional experiences for female partners (same sex-female couples)
Every IVF journey is unique. Some people in same-sex female relationships described additional challenges, including:
- Feeling that fertility services are designed primarily around heterosexual couples
- Delays related to accessing sperm donors
- Financial pressures because there are fewer alternative pathways to parenthood
These experiences can add another layer of emotional complexity to an already demanding process.
Here are some experiences of IVF treatment specific to female partners:
IVF as an expected pathway to parenthood
Some same-sex female couples describe a different starting point to their IVF journey. Rather than turning to IVF after experiencing infertility, they may know for many years that assisted reproduction would be part of their path to parenthood. This can create a long period of emotional preparation and acceptance before treatment even begins. This doesn’t make treatment easier, but some people describe feeling more mentally prepared when treatment begins.
“We knew IVF was on the horizon at some point. It took a couple of years to accept that this would be the way we’d have children”.
Deciding which partner will experience pregnancy
There are several different pathways open to same-sex female couples. These include one partner using her own eggs and undergoing the IVF cycle, one partner providing eggs and the other partner undergoing the IVF cycle, or taking it in turns to do cycles. This can create a greater sense of inclusion for both partners but also results in an extra layer of decision-making.
Some female partners in same sex relationships may know that they will undergo IVF themselves in the future. Supporting a partner through treatment can therefore also become a way of preparing for their own journey. This can create a unique dual perspective, where they are both a supporter and a future patient at the same time.
“Watching her go through IVF also feels like preparation for my own turn later”.
Some female partners know that they do not wish to be pregnant themselves and in some situations this can cause feelings of guilt, for example if their partner experiences fertility issues during treatment.