IVF Conversation Guide

Being a good supporter means following their lead

Your role in these conversations is to create a safe environment for people to share their feelings. Not to change their outlook or to make them feel better. Think of it as accompanying them on their journey rather than leading the way.

Some people might want to talk about their treatment but it's always good to check first. You could say something like, “I know you're doing IVF and I've been thinking about you. Is it ok if I ask how you're feeling or would you prefer not to talk about it?”

Some people might not want to talk about their treatment. That's okay there are other ways you can support. And you can tell them that you're ready to listen when they do feel like talking.

Getting ready

Be ready to listen

• Are you in a calm headspace?
• Are you prepared to listen without trying to fix things?
• Are you ready to handle sensitive topics like loss, disappointment or uncertainty?

Be prepared

• Try to learn the basics of IVF so people do not need to explain everything that's going on.
• Support as needed.
• Listening is one of the most valuable things you can offer.
• Be prepared for strong emotions. They may feel emotional, embarrassed or upset.
• Sometimes people might ask you for advice. It's OK if you don't have all the answers.

Pick your moment

• Have you chosen somewhere relatively private and informal?
• When might be the best time for them to chat? Try to put aside at an appropriate amount of time so you have ample time to have a meaningful chat
• If they can't talk when you approach them, ask them for a better time to come back

Three steps to a positive IVF support conversation

Invite them to open up

• Let them know you're asking because you care
• “How have you been going lately?”
• “I know you've got a lot going on. How are you feeling about everything?”
• “I've been thinking of you. Do you feel like talking about it?”

Listen with an open mind

Let them lead – some people feel comfortable talking, others don't. That means you may have to learn to sit comfortably in silence.

• Don't interrupt or try to rush the conversation.
• Don't jump to offering solutions. They don't need answers – just presence
• If they get angry or upset, stay calm and don't take it personally. Remember IVF can involve grief, hope, fear and physical strain all at once
• Take what they say seriously. Accept whatever they share (or don't share).

Respond supportively

• “That sounds tough.”
• “Thanks for sharing.”
• “I'm here anytime.”
• “I'm really glad you told me.”

Things to avoid

Remember it's important to be sensitive to what topics they are happy to discuss and to follow their lead. Here are some tips on what's best to avoid.

• Adding pressure or insensitive questions: “Aren't you pregnant yet!?”
• Being too intrusive: “This must be costing a fortune. How are you managing to pay for it?”
• Providing unsolicited solutions: “What about adoption or fostering instead?”
• Giving false reassurance: “It will happen. Everything will all be okay'”
• Minimising or being dismissive: “Don't be upset, this is probably all normal”
• Fatalism: “Everything happens for a reason. Maybe it's just not meant to be”
• Making comparisons and assumptions: Sharing your own or others' pregnancy stories
• Giving well-intentioned but uninformed advice: “Relax and you'll get pregnant”, “Don't think about it and you'll get pregnant”
• Using the wrong language for female same-sex couples: asking questions like “Who's the dad?” or “Who's the real mum?” can be hurtful. Instead say, “How would you like me to refer to each parent?” And ask how you can support them both.

Well meaning comments can sometimes unintentionally cause hurt, add pressure or make someone feel isolated and misunderstood. Avoiding intrusive questions, assumptions, comparisons or dismissive reassurance helps create a more compassionate and supportive environment where people feel listened to, respected and emotionally safe. Good support is less about finding the right thing to say and more about responding with empathy, sensitivity and understanding.

How to manage emotional reactions in a conversation

IVF conversations can bring strong emotions. Here are some ways you can minimise awkwardness and reduce pressure in these situations.

• Recognise that people's reaction may be shaped by aspects of their IVF journey that you don't know about.
• Being a good listener is one of the best things you can do for someone when they are distressed.
• Allow people to express their emotions fully and show them that you're interested in what they have to say.
• Validate their responses
• Manage your own emotions - stay calm and don't take things personally

If they don't want to talk

• Try not to take it personally. It may take them some time to process their feelings.
• Keep the door open: ‘That's completely okay. I'm here whenever you feel like talking.'

If they are anxious

• Keep your tone calm and steady
• Use simple, reassuring language: ‘That makes sense, you've got a lot going on'

If they are angry or frustrated

• Let them express it. “I can hear how frustrating this has been. Do you want to talk it through?”
• Allow them to identify all the factors they feel are contributing to their anger
• Be patient and prepared to listen to them
• Use active listening to keep the conversation on track and to reassure them that you are interested in all they say

If they are upset or crying

• If someone begins to cry, sit quietly and allow them to cry. Lowering your eyes can minimise their discomfort.
• Don't rush to change the mood. ‘I'm going to sit here with you, and when you're ready, we can keep talking.’
• Sad or tragic stories are often difficult to deal with because we empathise with the person and feel helpless, as we can't take away their sadness or pain
• If you anticipate this response, make sure you have tissues handy

Checking in

For some people regular check-ins may feel like pressure but for others they are a sign that you care. Ask them if they would like you to check-in with them.

If that's something they would like, here are some tips:

• Follow up after key moments such as appointments, test results
• Remember to check in and see how they are doing. Remember to keep it pressure-free: “Just thinking of you today – no need to reply” or “How are you going this week?”
• Understand they may go quiet during certain stages
• Stay consistent without being intrusive
• Remind them they are always there if they need a chat
• People change their minds, at some points they may not want a check in at all.

Offer other types of support

Instead of giving advice, offer support.

Practical support

Cooking, childcare, housework, driving to appointments, or financial contributions.

Positive social interactions

Going for walks, coffee, or any activities that help to shift focus.

Want more information about supporting people? Here's another great resource:

This conversation guide was inspired by and adapted from R U OK? “How to Ask R U OK? at Work” guide. We are grateful for the practical conversation framework developed by R U OK?, which has been adapted to reflect the unique experiences and support needs of people undergoing IVF treatment.

Source: “Adapted from R U OK?'s How to Ask R U OK? at Work guide, available at ruok.org.au.”

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/support-someone/how-to-approach-someone#plan-your-approach