Support for supporters

When my sister started IVF, I didn't really know what to do. I realised very quickly that I didn't need to have all the answers. The biggest thing for me was to be aware of what was happening. I wanted her to know that she wasn't alone. I would text her and say, 'I'm thinking of you.' Even if I was busy, she was still important and still on my mind. One thing I learned was that emotions can change really quickly. If you ask them a question on Monday, the response would be different to the same question meant in the exact same way on a Tuesday. I stopped trying to fix things. Sometimes they just need a vent that you don't have to have an answer for. Sometimes they just need you to sit there or listen to them. Even if you have to sit in silence, just so they know that you're there. I learned that it's not about being 100% present all the time. It's about being available. In the end, my message became really simple: 'I'm here. Whatever you need. I'm here.'

When my friend started IVF, I realised how little I knew about it. I really felt like there was a lack of information. I spent a lot of time doing my own research because I wanted to understand what she was going through. It made a big difference in how I could support her and she felt more understood. But I also realised that there are some things you don't fully understand until you're in it yourself. The emotional side of the journey is something you can't completely learn from reading about it. I wish there were more resources because there's no real go-to point for people supporting someone through IVF. It's hard to know what to say or what to do. What I learned was that everybody's experience is different and what has worked for one person isn't going to work for another person.

“At first, I thought I would know how to support my sister because I had already supported a friend through IVF before. But I quickly realised how different their experiences were. What worked for one person didn't necessarily work for the other, and I learned that there isn't a one-size-fits-all way to support someone going through fertility treatment. I also realised there's a fine line between checking in and overwhelming someone. Sometimes, when lots of people are asking how you're going, it can become too much. Instead of asking lots of questions, I would simply say, 'I'm thinking of you,' and leave it up to her to decide whether she wanted to talk. I learned that it's OK not to talk all the time and that sometimes the best thing you can do is just be there with them. The biggest lesson I learned was to let her guide what she needed and to adapt my support as things changed throughout her journey.”

“I'm from a different background to my friend, and I realised quite early on that my own beliefs and opinions weren't important in this situation. What mattered was supporting her in the choices she was making. I saw how upsetting it could be when people shared their personal opinions about IVF. I remember thinking to myself, 'You don't have to agree or like what they're doing, but you can be supportive in a different way.' It taught me that everyone has their own journey and their own reasons for choosing fertility treatment. I learned not to assume what someone wants or needs. Instead, I focused on listening. Sometimes we would talk about it and other times we wouldn't. I tried to treat her like the same person she had always been and not make IVF her whole identity. I also realised how important it was not to judge someone based on whether they had children or not. I wanted her to know that her future was still important 'with or without children.' The biggest thing I learned was to put my own beliefs to one side and simply be there for her. You don't have to fully understand someone's choices to support them. Sometimes being kind, listening and respecting their decisions is enough.”

“My friend is currently going through IVF treatment. This is her second cycle, and she has previously experienced a miscarriage. This journey so far has been really difficult for her, and there have been a lot of emotional ups and downs. I quickly realised that I couldn't change what was happening, but there were practical things I could do that really helped her, and I feel this is how I have been supporting her. I went to appointments with her, made meals for them and asked, 'Can we feed the dogs or what do you need us to do?' She was happy for me to be involved with the injection side of it and that helped me because it was something I could physically do. One of the hardest things was knowing that no matter what you give her, it's not going to make any difference. You can't take away the grief. But I learned that sometimes the little things just make you feel supported. I couldn't fix it, but I could carry some of their pain.”